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  • Writer's pictureAllison Abrams, LCSW-R

The Arduous Journey to Self-Love

Why self-love is anything but selfish.

Many of us give away love as freely as if it were an endless surplus of goods. Which is what love should be—an endless surplus. We bestow it upon our families, our friends, our pets, and sometimes even our material possessions. We “fall in love” with objects of our romantic desires. So, if it is so easy to give love to others, why is it such a challenge to do the same for ourselves? If we can have compassion for those in pain, why then, when it comes to our own suffering, do we rarely give ourselves the same grace. If we can effortlessly “fall” in love with others, why does the idea of “falling in love with ourselves” make us cringe?

Before we can understand why self-love is such a challenge, we first have to agree on its meaning—at least in the context of how it is used here, for the purpose of promoting emotional and psychological well-being. If we aspire to cultivate self-love, we must understand precisely what it is we are working to cultivate. Most important, we need to decipher between what self- love is and what it is not.

Self-love, not arrogance

Let’s be clear. When it comes to self-love as a tool for psychological health, it is anything but conceited, arrogant, or any other negative attribute that is often ascribed to it. Poet David Whyte coined the term “arrogance of belonging,” which can be likened to the concept of self-love. Elizabeth Gilbert expands on this concept in her book, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear:

The arrogance of belonging pulls you out of the darkest depths of self-hatred—not by saying “I am the greatest!” but merely by saying “I am here.” I believe that this good kind of arrogance, this simple entitlement to exist, and therefore to express yourself, is the only weapon with which to combat the nasty dialogue that may rise within your head. “Who the hell do you think you are?” your darkest interior voices will demand. “It’s funny you should ask,” you could reply. “I’ll tell you who I am. I am a child of God, just like anybody else. I am a constituent of this universe ... The fact that I am here at all is evidence that I have a right to be here.”

Love in its many forms

The meaning of love has been debated by philosophers, psychologists, theologians and others throughout the ages. Its ineffable quality makes it far too complex to be lumped into a single broad category. Yet, that is just what we do. The Greek philosophers on the other hand, differentiated between the variant forms of what we term “love.” Below are three:


Eros is the type of love we think of as romantic or sexual love. It also refers to love of an ideal beauty. This type of love would not be relevant within the context being discussed.


Agape is a feeling of contentment, high regard and respect. It is unconditional and giving, a “brotherly love for all humanity.” Seen through this lens, to not love the self would be to deny one’s humanness.


Philia refers to what we understand today as “friendship” and its values such as appreciation and loyalty. Philautia is love of the self which, according to Aristotle, is a necessary condition to achieving happiness. It is what enables us, he asserts, to extend compassion toward others.

Few would argue the validity of the latter two as a necessity for a healthy sense of self.

This article was originally published on Psychology Today.

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