Rewriting Your Love Story

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How to overcome childhood trauma and fall in love with safety.

Growing up in a chaotic environment, where arguments between parents were frequent or verbal abuse was common, can leave deep scars. It could also have long-lasting effects if your caretakers were too overwhelmed or busy to provide the emotional support and nurturing you needed. Most likely, your caregivers did their best with what they had at the time, but if love and stability were lacking, those unmet needs can continue to shape your adult relationships.

The Trauma of Familiarity

As children, we learn to survive in chaos when our environment is unstable. And for many, instability becomes familiar. If we grow up feeling unsafe or unloved, we may subconsciously seek out situations and relationships that mirror the turbulence of our past. Traumatized individuals often feel "alive" in dangerous or unpredictable relationships, and they may feel numb or "dead" when things are calm and stable.

In a way, we get "stabilized by instability." Our internal compass gets skewed, making distinguishing between love and chaos difficult. Until we heal and develop healthier patterns, it can feel impossible to trust stability or even recognize when it's in front of us.

The Unconscious Pull Toward the Familiar

Most of us are unknowingly drawn to what we know. Growing up in a loving, stable home with emotionally mature caregivers makes us more likely to build secure, loving relationships as adults. However, if we were raised in a home marked by chaos or emotional neglect, we may unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror those turbulent dynamics. Often, we do this without realizing it.

As Carl Jung wisely said, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." Without awareness, we continue repeating patterns—expecting different results each time, which, as we know, rarely leads to positive outcomes.

Freud called this "repetition compulsion"—the unconscious drive to recreate and "redo" past experiences in an attempt to get the love and validation we missed out on as children.

Healing and Moving Forward: How to Form Healthy Attachments

The good news is that healing is possible. It is entirely within your power to change your attachment style and begin to accept and give love in healthier ways. Here’s how you can start:

1. Understand Attachment Styles

Attachment theory tells us that our early childhood experiences shape the way we relate to others as adults. There are secure and insecure attachment styles. If you grew up in an insecure environment, developing secure attachment patterns in adulthood may be challenging. However, it's important to remember that your attachment style can evolve, especially if you find yourself in healthier, more supportive relationships.

Start by learning about secure attachment—what it feels like, how it looks, and how to cultivate it. This often begins with developing a healthy relationship with yourself, as self-acceptance is the first step in forming secure relationships with others.

2. Look for Repeated Patterns

Take a step back and look at your past relationships from an outside perspective. Do you notice recurring patterns or themes in the people you’re drawn to? Are there specific issues or behaviors that keep arising in your relationships? Identifying these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from them. This process requires conscious awareness and intentional effort to change the course of your future relationships.

3. Be Cautious of "The Spark"

If your past relationships were filled with turbulence or unpredictability, you might gravitate toward that familiar "spark" in future partners. But that spark might not be a sign of something good. Like a dangerous attraction to a drug, it may feel thrilling at the moment but come at a high emotional cost. Instead of chasing the intensity of chaos, seek out relationships that bring calm, security, and mutual respect. A steady, loving relationship may not always come with fireworks, but it will offer the stability you need to heal.

4. Get Used to Being Loved

For some, being loved or even liked may feel foreign, uncomfortable, or undeserved. If you grew up in an environment where love and affection were inconsistent or conditional, it can be hard to accept kindness without skepticism. But one of the most important steps in healing is allowing yourself to receive love.

Start by embracing small acts of kindness, whether accepting compliments with grace or letting others do nice things for you without deflecting. If you’re dating, give the kind, emotionally available person a chance. You may initially feel uncomfortable, but this is the path to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

It’s never easy to break free from the patterns established in childhood, especially when those patterns have influenced your relationships for years. But with awareness, intention, and self-compassion, you can rewrite the script. By understanding attachment styles, identifying patterns, and learning to accept love, you can build healthier, more secure relationships that offer the emotional stability and care you’ve always needed. Healing is a journey, but the first step is always the hardest—and the most worthwhile.

This article was originally published on Psychology Today.